The book entitled: SOLD
How often I’ve picked up a book whats subject is spiritual enlightenment In fact (A phrase I often use), I’ve read several books what talk about following the path to love and wisdom. In all those books I’ve come across many little factoids about the nature of God. Now not being what they might consider enlightened in them there books, I tend to find their content a bit difficult to grasp. For instance, some say things like God talks to us all the time and that his message will contain one or all of three characteristics, those being joy, truth, and love. Now my question is does truth bring joy always cuz it seems to me that whenever I tell the truth I end up getting hurt and also I’ve noticed that a lot of people in my life aren’t too keen on telling the truth. In fact in my experience everytime I’ve experienced truth in front of those people in my life, it’s caused nothing but crying, screaming, and physical abuse, not to mention anger. Which brings up my next question – Is that love or is love being prepared to receive all that pain without fear – for instance, I’ve read about Joan of Arc, about how she was such a strong sign of God’s Love – I guess that’s because She burned at the stake as a result of her truth. Let’s not forget Jesus who was crucified and he was so in touch with the truth that he cured people and walked on water and even after relieving so much pain great pain was inflicted on him. Now maybe in my case my truth doesn’t fit with everybody elses version and so it pains them to hear it but then they behave as though they can’t bare to accept it so does that mean they don’t love? They say they love but I find that like the words in those spirit books, their words are insincere or at least make no sense to me. Whenever they say they love me it always seems like their saving up just and case they need to cash me in one day – so if I don’t go along with their desires they can use it to try and coerse me – don’t you know I love you, I tell you all the time. I feel the same way about financial support I feel like they “provide” for me so that they can bribe me into being the way they want me to be. I may not be enlightened but this much is clear to me. I notice more and more that every time I abdicate to them and refuse to speak my truth we all hurt in a different way I’m not sure. I just know that we don’t often celebrate unless it’s an obligation and then it’s really the worst game of pretend I’ve ever played. The books on enlightenment never say any thing about all that though. They read more like science text books. They say you should listen to your breathing and you should only do this when you’re all alone – locked away. I’m not sure I understand that I guess its some form of truth and if other people see you doing it there will be pain and then you’ll have to love and there will be more pain and then what? I think I have to overcome their fear of death and let them kill me. Cuz some times they get so wild just because I refuse to comply with their demands because it doesn’t feel true to me and I say that and they scream in my face and bang on the walls with their fists and won’t let me go in my room to be alone but force my door open and tell me I’m being selfish and I’m hurting them and I’m ungrateful for all they’ve done for me. I would have cooked dinner but they never let me and if they did I had to do it their way because I didn’t know like they knew so they’d show me just like somone had shown them but I never really thought I didn’t know how to do anything until they insisted that I behave as though I didn’t because when I didn’t they felt important and I guess at the time that’s what I needed for them to feel. Or maybe I was just avoiding pain.
So every day I sit and I breathe and my mind, which seems to do most of the talking inside my head, talks to me and tells me I’m fat and stupid and worthless and guilty and angry and afraid and controlling and hateful and confused and thoughtless and a robot who does only what it’s been programmed to do and I wonder if what it says is true. For the longest time I believed everything, the thoughts in my head told me, which made me worry about a lot of things, little things, like money if I’d have enough, how much I should spend and how much I should save. I started running to take care of the fat and I’d worry about what I ate, counting every calorie. The running didn’t last long but I did figure out a healthier way to eat. I found a book that tought me that all processed foods and most foods in the grocery store in general were not only designed to instruct my body to store fat they were also destined to leave me malnourished. Later I found out that even the vegetables were filled and covered with chemicals that caused all kinds of internal malfunctions in the body which in turn causes weight gain. I stopped eating meat too and not just because of the fact we’re slaughtering animals and eating their flesh but also because these days it’s not even anywhere near healthy even though I can’t imagine eating flesh in the first place to be too healthy considering its dead muscle and coagulated blood and now a days they pump the animals full of chemicals and force feed them and the animal is treated like a commodity and just think of how we treat our children and each other as grownups who were treated like commodities as children – told how to dress, what to eat, what to think, what to learn, where to pee, when to pee, how to pee correctly as though we could possibly do it any other way (you never know until the first person tries). But I’ve gotten sidetracked. The point is, I keep reading those books and I share them with other peope to see what they think and they’ll read it and suddenly they’re a spiritual guru of course the only ideas they have on the matter are the quotes they spout from the books and the minute you try to explore on a deeper level or try to take a different perspective or try to experience it for yourself through open discussion right away they preach that wonderful sermon, just take it at its face value which should be another form of the expression “The American Way” and when you ask them what that means they inevitably say something like “It just rings true that’s all” and when you present hypothesis to the contrary they respond with, All you’ve got to do is believe it’s easy. And of course these are always the type to use the kind of information you read in books about God and the Spirit as a way to try and gain an upper hand over someone, usually more sane, and of course they use it when it suits them like when they’re trying desperately to convince everyone including themselves they’re on the level and you figure in real life they must be a cuckold and a fool, but watch out for those ones because they’ll always claim the attribute of godliness and then turn around and make it all about them and their needs and they’ll always be going on about how someone isn’t meeting their needs but the next minute they’re a child of God and they have the power to create their reality of course they interpret this to mean everyone’s gonna lay down and give them whatever they want when of course that doesn’t really matter anyway cuz they’re always wanting more because they always thinking “me first” and I’ll make other people think I support them and that I’m here for them, in fact I’ll insist that’s the case, just so they’ll do for me and fulfill whatever need I have they fill and it’s never sincere and if you point this out they’ll deny deny deny and try to make it about how you’re at fault protesting that it’s not their fault they’re not to blame for your perception when you weren’t blaming them at all when you were just sharing an observation but then they come back with stop making me feel small, and stop making me feel primitive and stop making me feel… when they’re the ones who make them feel anything – if that’s possible, and so you simply give up talking to them and the next minute they’re talking about how God’s promise is that we have free will and then you say something like if you consider it rape isn’t necessarily something we should judge or condemn they tell you to drop the subject because of course all that really matters is their free will … (In your eyes I see what’s on my mind)
…Ad infinitum…
